How a family or couple divides their unpaid household labor is an important relational task. Many couples, if not all, struggle with this timeless endeavor. Where tasks were once divided by gender roles and social expectations, the post-modern couple has the opportunity to navigate this division with a less rigid structure. That is not to say that all couples eschew gender roles or expectations but that post-modern couples have more freedom to structure their relationship than previous generations.
Often couples fall into roles and patterns without explicit agreements or negotiations. When labor becomes unbalanced it can create frustration and, in extreme circumstances, resentment. It is clear from our work with couples and families that the division of household labor has an impact on all family members’ psychological and sexual well-being. Yes, you read that correctly, there is a documented connection between dissatisfaction in the division of labor and sexual satisfaction in relationships. “Research shows that both those who share childcare or who have the male partner do the majority of tasks exhibit greater sexual and relationship quality than those who have the female partner do the majority of parenting (Carlson, Hanson, & Fitzroy, 2016)”
Couples report a greater sense of satisfaction in their division of labor, and sex when individuals experience prioritizing teamwork, not necessarily equity. This means that the division of labor specifically requires communication and commitment to the agreement, with the possibility of renegotiation when life circumstances change.
Suppose your relationship is experiencing frequent conflicts about the division of unpaid household labor. In that case, it might be reflective of whether or not you perceive the relationship as working as a team and if the relationship is functioning effectively. When the division of labor is not being managed in an effective and sustainable manner it is a symptom of a relationship that needs restructuring.
So what can be done? Couples who find creative ways to discuss and resolve this issue fair better than couples who do not. One resource that we like to use at South Shore is a card game called FairPlay. If couples are routinely coming across this conflict without finding a way to navigate and negotiate it, then connecting with a couples therapist would be recommended. To change dynamics couples must work on their communication skills, and willingness to listen, adapt, and follow through. Couples with recurring fights about the division of labor benefit from couples therapy to further understand the dynamic and to find new ways of relating to one another. Reach out and connect with us.
Resources:
https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards
Carlson, Daniel L., Amanda J. Miller, and Stephanie Rudd. “All About Equity? Domestic Division of Labor, Teamwork, and Relationship Satisfaction.” Paper presented at the Annual Meeting of the Population Association of America, Austin, TX, April. Conference Paper, Presented, 04/19/2019.
Tao, W., Janzen, B. L., & Abonyi, S. (2010). Gender, division of unpaid family work and psychological distress in dual-earner families. Clinical practice and epidemiology in mental health : CP & EMH, 6, 36–46. https://doi.org/10.2174/1745017901006010036
Van der Vleuten, M., Jaspers, E., & van der Lippe, T. (2020). Same-Sex Couples’ Division of Labor from a Cross-National Perspective. Journal of GLBT Family Studies, 17(2), 150–167. https://doi.org/10.1080/1550428X.2020.1862012
