This is a question many couples wrestle with as they navigate the challenges of life and long-
term relationships. What degree of conflict is “normal”? Can we fix our problems on our own?
Are these problems even changeable, or is this just who we are?
Unfortunately, no therapist can answer these questions in a way that will definitively apply for
every relationship. What feels comfortable for one couple may feel intolerable to another.
However, even with all of the variation we see across relationships, there are some general
skills that can help you navigate your relationship’s unique circumstances. One such skill set,
which couples therapy can greatly help you build or improve, is differentiation.
Differentiation is the act of learning to balance self and other: me, my perspective, my needs,
preferences, thoughts, feelings – and those of my partner. Often during relational conflict, our
own emotions and those of our partners can feel confusing, overwhelming, and hard to
meaningfully address. Sometimes these overwhelming emotions lead us to do things like avoid
conversations, reject our own or our partner’s feelings, yell or cry to get a point across, take on
all the blame, or assume our partner should take on all the blame. Differentiation skills help us
to slow down and prevent overwhelming emotions from taking control during hard
conversations. They help us identify what we have control over, and what we do not have
control over, and behave accordingly. They help us understand how we can soothe and care for
ourselves and our own needs, how we can ask for support from our partners, and how we can
offer support to our partners when they are in need. While this may sound like a rather tall order,
it can actually be broken down simply into 3 specific skills that can make a world of difference
for your relationship:
Self-Knowledge. This first skill is not just about having the knowledge of what you wish your
partner would do differently. It involves taking an honest look inward at the feelings being
activated, the stories or assumptions playing out in your head, and even what contributions you
may make to the problems at hand.
Grounded sharing. The second skill is about maintaining a reasonable level of emotional calm
when sharing something with your partner, especially something that might be hard to admit,
hard to acknowledge, or hard for them to hear. It does not mean feeling no emotions; it means
managing them to a sufficient degree that you can say what you need to say without screaming
and yelling, collapsing into a meltdown, having a panic attack, shutting down, or blaming and
shaming your partner.
Grounded listening. The third skill is quite similar to the second skill, except instead of
maintaining emotional calm while speaking, this skill involves maintaining emotional calm while
listening. This includes the ability to focus on understanding what your partner is trying to
communicate without making it about you, interrupting, tuning them out, turning it into an
interrogation, or reacting defensively.
Together, these skills represent the building blocks of crucial relationship tasks like negotiating
agreements and setting boundaries. With differentiation skills, we enrich our intimacy.
Differentiation allows us to maximize the joy and appreciation that can be found in moments of
connecting and accomplishment, and help us navigate our troubling moments with purpose and
compassion.
So, do you really “need” therapy? That is a question that only you can answer. However, if you
feel that your differentiation skills could use some work, or if you are unsure how to apply these
skills to your specific relationship challenges, couples therapy might be a great fit for you. To be
matched with a couples therapist at South Shore Family Health Collaborative, give us a call or
send us an email to get started.
